Building Community When You’ve Been Wounded by It
Choosing courage after relational hurt
A little over two years ago, my husband and I took a marriage class at our church. While most of the class was incredibly impactful, there’s one specific sentence that has radically changed my life.
The phrase was, “Always assume the best of each other.” This completely changed the way I respond to what my husband does or says. If something he says offends me, did he really mean it, or am I assuming the best of him? Is his act of leaving toothpaste all over the counter every morning really a direct attempt to annoy me, or am I assuming the best of him? This simple shift in perspective filled my days with much more peace and, in turn, protected my heart more than I ever expected. So much so that I started to take this practice into my other relationships and interactions.
As women, we are wired to be more emotional, intuitive, and often more sensitive. These qualities are what make us special and are part of God’s specific design for us. That said, these same qualities can often leave us with wounded hearts, humbled egos, and frequent offenses.
With that in mind, I can’t help but wonder how often we are offended or hurt by someone who genuinely had no intention of hurting us. Did that person purposefully hit our sore spot, or am I just not assuming the best of them? While I’d say that more often than not they had no intention of hurting us the way they did, sometimes we really do experience deep wounds.
Sometimes we are hurt or betrayed beyond the point of reconciliation. God calls us to live at peace (Psalm 133:1) and to forgive one another, so this is something we must do. But even afterward, boundaries may still be necessary, and the hurt may still sit deep. In moments like this, it’s so easy to recluse and pull away from intentional community.
It’s easy to think that we would be better Christians, wives, moms, coworkers, and friends if we weren’t distracted by the hurt that can come with community. This is a lie straight from the devil. The Bible makes it very clear that God’s design is not for us to do life alone. From the creation of Eve to the sending of the Twelve, God desires for us to have community in our lives—to help one another and spur each other on (Hebrews 10:24–25).
From the creation of Eve to the sending of the Twelve, God desires for us to have community in our lives—to help one another and spur each other on.
This is obviously easier said than done. It’s not as simple as being a kindergartener on the playground. Rather, it can still feel like the first day of middle school, no matter how old we become. Finding your people and creating community requires vulnerability. It requires us to inconvenience ourselves for the benefit of others. Ultimately, it asks us to assume the best of one another, which takes plenty of practice and humility.
Thankfully, our churches often help by handing us a blueprint for finding community rather than leaving us to our own devices. Does your church have a small group, but the idea of meeting weekly with a bunch of strangers seems inconvenient? Join anyway. Is there a moms’ group, but it sounds cringey or cheesy? Sign up anyway. Does a women’s Bible study meet, but it’s much earlier in the day than you’d prefer? Inconvenience yourself and show up anyway. Are you a new mom desperately hoping for a village? Be the village and show up for another new mom first.
Creating intentional community in our lives after experiencing hurt requires ample humility and courage. It is vulnerable and requires patience. Community often comes with the possibility of being hurt again. Unfortunately, this will always be the case until Christ returns. We must train ourselves to assume the best of one another and forgive when we don’t want to (Colossians 3:12–14). In fact, the very moments that require us to do so often result in stronger, more intimate relationships that serve us the way God intended them to.
