when god feels silent
learning to breathe in the pause
I’ve spent almost two years waiting for God to answer one very specific prayer. I can say this casually now, but believe me when I say that I’ve walked through the stages of grief in order to get to this point. Now that I’m on the other side, with my prayer still waiting in the rafters, mind you, I can say that God is still so good.
His ways are higher. I promise. What I’m praying for seems relatively small in the grand scheme of things. It’s not asking for the Lord to remove a disease, or to end a war, or to make a physical mountain move. So, selfishly, I let myself become angry and frustrated when the response to my seemingly simple prayer was silence. Eventually, I changed my mindset and thought maybe if I pray more or spend more time in His word then I’ll get the answer I’m hoping for. (Spoiler - God’s love and response to us has no bearing on the work we do).
One evening I became so angry that I recall looking into the sky and saying a slew of choice words that I definitely wouldn’t say if I was physically looking someone in the face. I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, but I have a feeling more people than just myself have been there before. That moment broke me. I was convinced that my maker had abandoned me. I let my selfish demands land me in a dark and twisty mental place. I questioned if there even was a God and if there was, did they even care about me?
I questioned if there even was a God and if there was, did they even care about me?
Praise God that I’ve experienced enough of His goodness that in a moment of mental clarity I knew that He was real. I took time to dive into the word despite my untrue feelings of abandonment. As I was reading through the Psalms I noticed that David often felt this way too. He often cried out to the Lord asking where His goodness was in his circumstances. But, following David’s pattern, he always ended his cries with some version of “even still, you are good.”
Psalm 13:
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.
This pattern challenged me. Looking at David’s life, we know that God never abandoned him. We know that the Lord was always working all things together for his good (Romans 8:28). We see the legacy that David left despite the seasons of suffering that he walked through.
Everytime I faced my unanswered prayer I spoke the words, “the joy of the Lord is my strength and my portion.”
If God was working all this for David, who am I to assume that He isn’t doing the same for me? With this truth in mind, I began to implement a new practice. Everytime I faced my unanswered prayer I spoke the words, “the joy of the Lord is my strength and my portion.” Admittedly, at first I said this with an air of sarcasm or a bit tongue in cheek. But, as time went on, my mindset truly changed. There’s power in the words we speak! I began to see how God really was sustaining me. I noticed how he gave me strength to continue despite the circumstance. I became aware of the Holy Spirit holding me up when I would have otherwise crumbled. This simple practice has completely altered my hope and faith over the past year. In the midst of any discomfort, not just my unanswered prayer, I can remain steadfast knowing that the Lord is my strength and that he is working despite my impatience. And in moments of blessing, I can relish all the more in His joy!
If you’re in a season where it seems like the Lord is quiet and you’re longing for answered prayer, please know that you’re not alone. The quietness can feel lonely, but in truth, you are so far from alone. God is right beside you, waiting for your surrender. I can’t promise that surrender will result in a sudden answered prayer, but I can promise that it will come with peace; peace that surpasses your current circumstance or understanding I still long for the results I’m praying for and there are still days where my heart hurts at my situation, but I have peace. I know that despite it all, God is good. I know that the God of the universe took the time to carefully craft me and knows my story. He holds it all in His hands. His joy is my strength and my portion and that joy is available to you too despite your circumstance.
