even in the fire
What I Learned When Everything Burned Down
2020 - The year the world fell apart. But also the year mine did too.
While everyone was worried about whether their symptoms were from allergies or an unknown virus, I was worried about a diagnosis that would change our family’s life forever. What started off as random falls for my mom turned into a terminal disease.
In May 2020, my mom was diagnosed with ALS. The sweet doctor who cared more about my mom and our family than mask mandates let us know, after several tests, scans, and therapies, that this was our new normal. No cure. Only progression. Then came the inevitable.
All I knew of ALS was what I had seen during the Ice Bucket Challenge almost ten years ago. But now it was personal. It was what my mom was facing. The one He loved. (John 11:3)
Oddly enough, I felt peace. The kind of peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) And then God gave me a promise. She would receive her healing. (Luke 1:45) Maybe not on this side of Heaven, but healing nonetheless.
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.”
So I prayed. Every moment of every day. I prayed for continued peace (Ephesians 6:18), and for supernatural healing, because I knew God could do it.
There were many times I felt forgotten. Like our prayers were going to voicemail with no reply. I watched my mom decline. How could this be happening to her? She loved the Lord with all her heart and all her strength. (Deuteronomy 6:5) When we prayed with her, she truly believed that God would heal her. She would say things like, “When I get better…” So why wasn’t God listening?
Why wasn’t God listening?
Even in the fire, God was still working. He was the fourth man. The fire would not consume me. (Daniel 3:25)
Just when I thought He had forgotten, I started praying the second biggest prayer of my life, to become a mom. My prayer time turned into long, tear-filled sessions. Some days I didn’t know where to begin. (Romans 8:26) Other days, my prayers were long and specific. Sometimes it was just tears. But in between the sobs, I received another promise. God spoke and said I would get pregnant and have a healthy baby.
But of course, I questioned what condition this promise came with. Because the promise of my mom’s healing didn’t look the way I had hoped or imagined.
After a year of praying, crying, doubting, lifestyle changes, and doctor visits, I saw two pink lines in March of 2021. God had not forgotten. I immediately FaceTimed my sister because, honestly, what in the world do I do now? We cried and thanked God, and she told me, “He hasn’t forgotten us.”
I didn’t stop praying. I was nervous about what the next nine months would bring. My body had already endured so much to get to this point. The “what ifs” began to creep in. So my prayers shifted into the words, “Not my will, but Yours.” (Mark 14:36)
Surrendering everything near and dear to me became a theme. But somehow, my faith kept growing. It was thriving in the fire.
Our first appointment went great. The heartbeat was strong. But almost a month later, to the day, my sweet, precious mama finished her race (Hebrews 12:1–3) and was welcomed into Heaven. With her husband and children by her side, she took her last breath and received her healing… just as God promised.
Surrendering everything near and dear to me became a theme. But somehow, my faith kept growing. It was thriving in the fire.
As we cried and held her, the same God who was hugging her in Heaven was holding us here on Earth. He is close to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18)
That was the moment I began to see and know God in a way I never had before. He was so real. He was still a good Father. He did exactly what He said He would. He healed her!
When I met my baby boy, I finally understood how deeply God cares for us, how much He loves us, and how He sees us as His children. My son was exactly who I dreamed he would be. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. (James 1:17) He brought so much joy and healing to our family. I did not think it was possible to love someone that much. Then God spoke and said, “Now imagine how much more I love you.”
And because God is not a God of luck or coincidence, our son came three weeks early, just four days before my mom’s birthday. He was born at 10:48 p.m., the exact time my mom took her last breath at 10:48 a.m.
God was always in the fire with me. But I had to keep leaning on Him. Grief became part of my story, and I still have days filled with questions and heartache. But I believe, and I will keep believing, that my grief and pain are not without purpose. God is using it all for my good and for His glory.
When my world felt like it was on fire, I learned that He never forgot us. He was never far. Joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5) And He is our hope and help.
God is never far, friend. Even in the fire.
